Tuesday, March 11, 2014

My Way

As a woman who was raised in a Christian conservative family, I was taught it is OK not to speak what is on my mind and to keep it to myself. I was taught not to express myself and to do what next is in order to be done. So first was schooling, then job from 9-5, then boyfriend, then marriage and then what comes next. 

It's not that anything is wrong with that sequence, but if you are anything like me than everything is wrong with that.

First all kinds of illnesses attacked my body. I had this strong emotion that if I don't start living my way I will explode and it felt like a pressure from inside my body. But nothing was exploding because I was raised that it is the best for everyone not to make any attempt to live in a different way than taught.. Well it was the best, it was the best for everyone but me.

Even though state of my body and mind was getting worst I never even though it was all just because I wasn't expressing. I always knew I think very differently than others but I was made assured that my thought, opinions and beliefs were sick and not normal.
Than finally I got married for a very very conservative guy, raised by programed people that are not in any way connected to them selves and have no idea what they want. So my husband learned to act on what others wanted him to be and to do, and he tried so hard to please everyone. In this marriage things were not meant to be done because one really likes and wants to do them but they needed to be done out of manner and because some invisible law states they should be done. Also it was a kind of marriage where it is expected from a woman to have a good job, to be good looking, still have 2 or 3 kids and manage them, house and husband.

I admit that was so out of my league. I admire girls who except such things for themselves. But I wasn't going to do that. So I didn't. 

5 years have passed since I started to change myself and getting people used to new me - actuallythe real me. Still I am learning to know myself. It is a process of learning through life experiences what makes me happy and what makes me go mad:-).

So now you have an idea from what kind of environment I'm coming from so now I will share my thoughts.

About clearly stating what is on your mind...

From my own experience we tend to fool ourselves just to stop that inner voice in side from talking. There were times I didn't know this voice existed. The motive to stop it from talking is not to have to rock the boat, because you see...

...it's a fact that people in my society are brainwashed with TV, commercials, school and so on. I know this because I come from that place. I used to watch TV. I passed the school system. I visited the doctors....so I come from that place.

I am still collecting pieces of myself after disappearing in all of that BS.

That is why I know how overprotective we tend to get when it is about protection of ourselves, our kids and dear ones from who knows what.

My whole life people have the need to tell me how I should act, feel and think. When I don't follow...well they tend to get very upset.

For example, I love my husband a lot. But he is so narrow minded many times. He is upset when I don't follow conventions. He has this urge to always start the conversation with others and to amuse them. Well I don't. I speak when I feel I have something to say. And a lot of times I do have something to say. 

So often times he mentions to me how I behaved rude and inappropriate. I really learned to accept this need of his to comment things like that so I don't mind. But.....sometimes I feel like just for his sake, just because I love him, I should behave his way so he would be satisfied and proud of his wife.
But in the end I don't do that. Not any more. 

If someone actually came this far in reading this post it is probably because you can relate. Please write your experience because it could help me and others to know we're not alone in finding our inner voice and living by our own rules.

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